I Didn’t Realize Quarantine Would Make Me Feel So Alone
I don’t think of myself as particularly extroverted.
Sure, I know people who spend most of their time indoors and yes I am more extroverted than them but I just figured in terms of a scale by extroversion would be a 5 to their 2. Turns out I was wrong. I’ve never felt so off kilter these past few days than I have since I first noticed the trauma of my last work and state of life had thrown me straight into depression. I’m worried about the world, I feel helpless seeing the news but I also recognize that the country I work in is more reactive than preemptive so I need to keep up with the news to keep me and my loved ones safe.
Prior to my isolation I was finally in the right mindset to start applying to new jobs again. I’ve come to realize the more stressed I am the less likely I am to apply for work. I want to make sure my applications are a product of my best efforts and so if I’m not ready to submit them I just can’t push myself to apply. I know that most applications these days go through a computer first and foremost so you need to focus less on customizing to your voice and more to what gets you to the next level but I haven’t figured out the formula.
Then COVID-19 came to the west and that stopped the whole process. I know this seems out of touch because people have a lot more to worry about but it took a hit to my mental health knowing that all my effort was for nothing. No one is going to be looking out for new recruits (except Amazon) and by the time people are in office you know they’re going to be looking at new applications (even though they say they keep you on record for six months).
My Life Feels Like It’s Frozen
I don’t live with my family so luckily I don’t have to worry about infecting my mother but that also means coming home means I’m coming home to nothing. I don’t want to invite people over or be over at other people’s houses because even if we are clean it’s really not worth the risk. Also doesn’t help that the west doesn’t have readily available testing anyway.
I feel like everyday is the same and I’m not moving anywhere with my life. It’s like I’m a sim but my creator isn’t doing anything except fulfilling my basic needs. I don’t really talk to anyone throughout the day because we’re all still working. Yes I can message people but we don’t have conversations, we’re all too high strung or busy to have actual ‘human contact.’ It’s amazing how different communication is when it’s not face to face. It’s not like we’re spending all day talking in the office but having an actual conversation flows a lot better face to face than over text.
I Miss Genuine Human Contact
I’ve had a couple of phone calls but I’ve always found it a bit awkward to have those random pauses during a phone call. Is it an insecurity to need to fill the quiet with some sort of noise? But I don’t really have the same issue in real life, it’s only when I can’t see someone’s face. It’s not quite the same to bask in someone’s company when that company is just someone’s voice. It’s also a lot harder to portray sarcasm or emotions in general over text and phone call. Like any Millennial on the internet my voice tends to be a lot of sarcasm and casual barbs and it’s awkward when people can’t tell when I’m serious and vise versa.
Obviously as someone who doesn’t have a problem with blogging about sex I’m a little more open than other people. I just didn’t realize that meant I would so readily miss real life communication so badly.
What I’ve Been Doing Is Distracting Myself
There’s lots of things to do and I’m trying to find the things that bring me the most joy. I know it’s not going to be a long time, two weeks isn’t actually that long — it just feels long. In the mean time I’ve come up with a list of things to take my mind off life:
Podcasts: I love a good podcast, I usually listen to them when I go on jogs. Now I’ve invested in finding more so that I can listen to them when I’m at home. Similar to the early days of mukbang a podcast serves as a form of companionship so you can get to learn someone without having them beside you.
Books: I have a long list of books I want to get through. I was never a huge fan of classic American literature but I’ve been trying to get through some of the classics. Goodreads is a great source to find books you might like with reviews and suggestions. Plus your friends are on there and you connect over shared titles.
Coloring Pages: I know adult coloring pages aren’t for everyone. I know some people that get right annoyed when they have to do them. I love them. I put on a couple of candles, play some jazzy music and I can lose myself in a good coloring page for a bit.
Toy Models: Gundams.
Puzzles: I’ve never attempted a big puzzle on my own but I found an old Disney one the other day that I may try to finish. The trick is to remember it’s not a race so I can take my time with it.
Classes: Lots of places are giving away free classes right now.
Hobbies: There’s places where you can buy kits or if you have stuff on hand you can find a Youtube channel and get to work. One of my favs. is watching sewing videos on Youtube to better perfect my hand sewing craft.
Workout Youtube Videos: They aren’t necessarily a replacement for the gym but there’s something endearing about a good Jane Fonda-esque workout regimen. If you’re afraid of jumping around in your apartment tack on “apartment friendly” to your workout search to get started.
Video Games: There are a lot of games I want to catch up on and finish. If you’ve finished a game and can’t afford a new one try your hand at getting 100% or the fastest speed run.
