I’m a comfort eater; I eat when I’m stressed. At my last job I dealt with a boss who continuously carried out all the wrong practices — he made his assistant cry on a weekly basis. I kind of knew I would eat carbs and other fattening foods when I was stressed but I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I was in that situation. There were two learning moments when I realized:
1) I couldn’t wait to leave that job
2) Comfort eating is a self fulfilling prophecy
I’ve never been skinny. I came out of the womb a big baby and I’ve always been the same ratio ever since. I’m not largely obese but I certainly straddle the line of ‘watch your blood pressure.’ I get into my head about it sometimes. I don’t feel comfortable trying to reach out to others, romantically or others because I’m always stuck on this idea of being judged. It’s not that I don’t think people like me, I have a group of friends, I’ve had people interested in me. Instead, I’m stuck on how much more would people like me if I was skinnier?
I once told my friend I was the ugly friend. I’d just been at a party with two other friends who are considerably smaller than I am and got to watch the party from the sidelines. It was almost an outside body experience except that was my body, and that was why I was so uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s a personality thing — although I’m certainly less enthusiastic when I know I don’t fit in. But it’s also hard to argue that I’m wrong when me and the girls are meeting a group of people for the first time and they get the attention before I can even open my mouth.
I’ve largely gotten over the experience. I can look back in annoyance but it doesn’t hurt me the way it did. But like all things that occur in your past and don’t have an easy fix they accumulate into this giant ball of things that could’ve been better. Even if the initial hurt is gone you’re still stuck with the what-ifs. I hate that I’m fixated on things more than actually remembering the events themselves. I can read a hundred body positive articles and still say “but I’d be better if I was actually fit.” And at the end of the day that’s the truth. I’m not stuck on being in a bad place, I’m stuck in being a worse place.
And so I guess I eat to comfort myself. Like all emotional waves these ideas come and go. There are days when I know I’m on a journey and that even if I’m not at the best I could be I will be. But then there are days when I struggle with the fact that my end game isn’t here soon enough. It doesn’t matter how strong your drive and focus are — without liposuction you can’t just suddenly lose a hundred pounds.
What I need in my life is to learn to mediate between the consequences of my feelings and how to act without hurting myself more. I won’t stop being worried or stressed because those feelings don’t happen all the time. They’re thoughts that come and go and I can’t control when they happen. I have to learn remember that even if I feel shitty right now that too will pass. I am the deciding factor in how I react and how I process my feelings. I can’t let one shitty day control my life and acknowledging that will help me move forward.