It Doesn’t Take Toxic People to Make a Toxic Relationship
Growing older means less friends.
This is a fact.
As you grow older these bonds you’ve made grow up with you. Sometimes this means you’ve met the Bucky to your Steve or the Rhodey to your Tony, but sometimes, you’re the Tony to someone else’s Steve.
One of the hardest areas of life to reconcile is that sometimes friendships just don’t work out. It doesn’t matter how much effort you put in, it takes two to tango and you can’t force anyone to be your dancing partner.
Everyone is looking out for number one
And sometimes that conflicts with our own interests. There are so many things that can effect self interest in a relationship. I know a number of people who struggle with social anxiety and can’t make themselves meet others. I understand that and I try to be understanding but there’s a limit. I know that sounds horrible but if I haven’t seen someone for three years and we barely talk then I’m considering it a lost cause.
It doesn’t matter if we always meet when the other party says they miss seeing me if they can’t bring themselves to meet me when it matters. We can’t always be operating on their time. I’m not going to force anyone to see me and I can’t consider a relationship that relies on fake promises. I know that sounds super harsh but when you’re one of the affected parties it’s hard to be sympathetic when there’s nothing you can do on your end.
There’s those that can’t meet you half way and then there’s those that don’t think you’re worth meeting. I’m not a super organized person, I don’t think. I mean, I don’t write down every thing I have to finish in my journal, mostly I write down important events. If a friend I know is in town for the first time in a three month stretch and they’ve got time to meet me then yeah, I’ll make sure we’re doing something both of us will enjoy. But if the other party makes a big deal about wanting to meet me and stating how they’re super busy all the time I can’t help but feel bummed out when we can’t meet.
It’s like that math problem in elementary school. You’re just watching two trains cross in front of you and you know when they’ll meet but they just keep passing by.
I know we’re all busy
But I just hoped the other party anticipated us meeting up as much as I did; I hoped they’d also put in the effort. I know this is an opportunity to say I can meet them wherever they are but I know people who can only be met on their time. It doesn’t matter if they’re free, if they haven’t decided to leave the house I’m not getting them to meet me without a reservation. And sometimes that isn’t even enough.
I’ll never forget the one time my friends spent a summer planning a weekend trip and one of our mutuals who frequently went to our destination suddenly ghosted everyone two weeks before the trip. We obviously figured they wouldn’t meet us there. Imagine our surprise when we saw the person in question at our destination, they were with their significant other doing a couple retreat. That’s great and all but we’d been planning this trip for a month so it was very clear where we were in terms of the priority list.
And sometimes that’s just it, you’re just not as important as you think you are
I’d love to say the people I meet treasure me as much as I treasure them but sometimes they just don’t. Sometimes you value time spent with others and sometimes those same moments were simply moments meant to pass the time for the other party. It’s hard to swallow but when we were younger wasn’t there always that one person the cool kids kept around out of sympathy? Unfortunately that behavior doesn’t die in adulthood.
It sucks but sometimes that’s just the way life works. Sometimes it’s not even a conscious thing. Everyone has priorities and sometimes you’re just not them.
You can try to repair a friendship. There’s nothing wrong with hanging onto friendships you treasure. But just remember friendships work two ways and if you can’t be met halfway then it might just be time to move on.
