You ever hear about the perfect girl? The so-called prototype that defines every shape and form of a person’s dream girl. There’s numerous studies about who that is and what they need but there’s no actual consensus. One thing we’ve been taught is that every person has a specific set of things they prefer over others. It could be as simple as height to as radical as race preference. Regardless of the criteria, everyone has some thing they prefer their partner to have.
It doesn’t have to define every relationship although there are definitely people who seemingly date the same person over and over. But there’s usually something that carries over from relationship to relationship, otherwise we wouldn’t be surprised every time someone doesn’t meet our expectations for what we think we like.
I don’t really have a type, most people I have interest in are all different shapes and sizes; the one thing I do need is someone whose morals align with mine. Of course there are people who do have types and I’ve been the person who doesn’t fit in with the rest of someone’s history.
He’s Always Dated Skinnier Girls
This really hit a complex of mine. I’m not super big but I’m certainly not small. Size has always been something that has heavily affected my perspective of myself and knowing that my partner had a very specific type in that area was crushing.
Word vomit — the inability to control whatever is coming out of your mouth regardless of the consequences
He never mentioned it but any time we talked about women I noticed I was the exception every time. I couldn’t tell if he never noticed or if I was just hyper focused because it was an issue I had with myself. I never asked him because I was afraid of the answer.
I’d Been Proven Right Before
I have been in relationships where my fears aren’t unfounded. I’ve been on the end of the fetishized Asian girlfriend. I’ve been the woman that was the characteristics before the person. I’ve been the check boxes on the census just so they can say they know a minority. How could I tell if this was the same thing?
I’m always trying to see the best in people but sometimes our own fears cloud our own judgement. I was too in my head to say whether or not I was making it up in my head. At this point in my life I’d already decided my truth was the only truth.
I’d started being paranoid about my relationship. If he wasn’t hyper aware of who I was/am then he might be in the future.
What if he woke up one day and realized I’d pulled a fast one? What if he woke up and realized I wasn’t attractive and I was just me, lumpy, average me?
I Felt Like I was Somehow Tricking Him
Even though I’d never presented myself as anything than what I was I was afraid he’d maybe made a mistake. It’s not that I didn’t trust him, I didn’t trust myself to be what he thought I was.
I believed the words he said but in the back of my head I wondered how I’d somehow made him see someone I couldn’t see for myself.
When a relationship consists of someone fighting themselves it’s never going to survive. I never got to apologize to him but I hope he saw what I couldn’t say since he always could see the big picture I couldn’t. In the end I let my own insecurities bury us and I chose to end it before it became so much worse than it was.
I said goodbye because I couldn’t say anything else.
I regret m decisions because in the end it was a decision I made that took small consideration for my partner’s. I can’t say I won’t do it again in the future…we always see thing better when we aren’t looking at ourselves. I just hope he sees (as I did) it’s not about who he is/was, it was because I wasn’t comfortable with myself.