Women can Masturbate too
It’s 2019 and I still know people who clutch their pearls when they think about masturbation. They get even more squeamish when masturbation involves a toy or watching porn.
I know people who have adventurous sex lives but their sex lives revolve around being with another partner. It was weird to them that you would want to pleasure yourself for any other reason than being desperate or needy.
You live life being taught that naughty touching is wrong and eventually that evolves into naughty touching for women is wrong. We all know there’s a gender gap in most things in life but so many of us forget that it applies directly to us — it’s not something you read to understand it’s something you feel and comprehend.
Orgasming is Your Friend
Women often get less out of sex than men. Period. It’s not because it takes a little more effort, or because a man finding a clitoris is the same as differentiating between coral pink and salmon pink.
The real crux is that men are just expected to feel pleasure more often. You’ve all heard the idea that a man can’t help himself — a man fixates on his own pleasure and puts those needs above all us (I’m not saying this is true by any means but we are certainly built the type of society that acts like it is).
Be Discreet
The body is a temple and best be treated as such. It’s not attractive to not have hair but it’s also not attractive to talk about maintaining your hair. Nobody wants a full bush but people will judge you if you get a Brazilian wax — in many ways it’s just expected you be perfect without all the effort that goes into being so.
The explosion of interest in 50 Shades of Grey was interesting to me for many reasons. The inappropriate nature of power dynamics is a topic to discuss but what interested me most is how did we get to the spot to think it’s okay? So many women have never experienced BDSM beyond having your eyes closed or maybe being tied up and so this titular title became fascinating on so many new levels. I don’t think all the women were blind to the power dynamics and how consent wasn’t always present — I think many women were willing to treat it as harmless fiction to get to the thick of it.
Women wanted an outlet, a way to tease their ‘hysteria’ and there just wasn’t enough mainstream content to deliver. I’d always been uncomfortable with how comfortable many women were with reading the series in public spaces. I couldn’t fathom why it was okay for a woman to read something that got you hot and bothered in public when a porno would do the same for man. But then I thought about it. Why was erotica fiction, writing, black and white letters providing the same result for women? It’s because women are taught to explore their sexuality and express yourself in more discreet ways. It didn’t matter that you’d get hot and bothered because your sexual expression and outlet was something only you experienced and it didn’t really matter if your partner saw it or not. Sex is a performance and how you chose to enjoy yourself often relied on how it satisfied your partner.
How often have you pretended to get off because it was uncomfortable trying to pleasure yourself after your partner was done?
The art of masturbation
Let me just say even if you don’t orgasm it doesn’t mean your partner was bad. I know a lot of people try to play the blame game here and there’s simply nothing to blame. Some people require certain things to get off and it’s not up to any one person to decide what those things are. I know women who can only get off from a stimulated clit, if your partner isn’t aware then they might not engage in such when you’re having penetrative sex.
So how do we resolve this? You can speak to your partner; in fact you should talk to your partner. But that might not be enough. It’s not anyone’s problem it just means you have to learn what your body likes and know how to stimulate yourself to get that pleasure you seek.
Sometimes the best climaxes are the ones you bought off by yourself. And that’s okay. You deserve to be pleasured without shame. Everyone likes something different and you need to take the time to learn what that is. Sex isn’t about a motion you go through — it’s a pleasurable action that should bring you satisfaction. Plus it’s simply good for you.
Masturbating isn’t replacing a partner it’s a way of prioritizing your own needs and attractions. You can and should enjoy sex with others and yourself. Masturbation shouldn’t be taboo because it’s natural and healthy. Your partner shouldn’t be offended or ashamed because in a healthy relationship they should want you to feel your best too. If you’re not allowed to seek what makes you feel good then why engage in sex at all? Don’t make it a chore. Enjoy it, you deserve it.
